What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is not a disagreement, a marital spat, tension in a relationship or an anger management problem. Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling behavior and assaults that restricts the activity and independence of another individual. It is a learned behavior. It can include verbal abuse, emotional threats, economic control, and physical or sexual attacks. Domestic violence (or teen relationship violence) does not go away on its own. It tends to get worse and become more frequent with time.
What is the Scope of the Problem?
Domestic violence affects persons of all ages, educational backgrounds, income levels, religions, sexual orientations, and cultures. The majority of victims (95%) are women, but men can be victims of domestic violence, too. Statistics tell us that domestic violence occurs in marriages, resulting in approximately 1.6 million wives being assaulted by their husbands per year. In the United States, according to the FBI, a woman is beaten by an intimate partner every 15 seconds. Injuries suffered due to domestic/dating violence are the leading reason why women go to the emergency room - more than auto accidents, muggings, rapes combined. (Stark, E. and Fliterart, A. "Medical Therapy as Repression: The Case of Battered Women," Health and Medicine. Summer/Fall (1982) 29-32) We also know those assaults not only cause injury, but can be deadly. 30% of women murdered in the US are murdered by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (Bureau of Justice Statistics National Crime Victimization Survey, August 1995).
Children are also negatively impacted by exposure to violence between parents - behaviorally, emotionally, physically, and cognitively. Child witnesses of domestic violence show more aggressive and antisocial behavior as well as fearful and inhibited behaviors. Over 3 million children are at risk of exposure to parental violence each year. (Carlson, B.E. 1984. The Battered Women's Syndrome) Not only are the children at risk of exposure, but they are often abused as well if domestic violence is occurring in the home. Research has indicted that, of the men who batter their intimate partner, 70% of those men also batter their children. (Bowker, Arbetell, and Mcferon. 1989) These children face dual threats to their safety and well-being - the threat of witnessing traumatic events and the threat of physical violence.
In addition, we now know that teens are experiencing violence in their own dating relationships. Dating violence affects an estimated one of 8 high school students and one in 5 college students. Estimates from national studies of teen dating violence indicate that 28% of teen relationships involve violence. More than half (54%) of women who report being raped at some time in their lives say they were raped before the age of 18, and most of them knew their assailant. Abuse in teen relationships comes in many forms -verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually - and, in some cases, it is fatal. The abuse suffered by teenage victims is not unlike the abuse suffered by adult victims of domestic violence.
Given this data, statistically, every church, synagogue, temple, mosque, or spiritually-oriented community in the United States probably has members who are living with domestic violence.
What are the Religious or Spiritual Aspects of the Problem?
People living with the crisis of domestic violence, who also hold valued religious or spiritual beliefs, are experiencing a spiritual crisis, a crisis of meaning.
Abused persons dealing with this dual crisis situation ask themselves: Why me? What have I done to deserve this abuse? Why is God allowing this to happen? Who will help me? After having lived with domestic violence for months or years, abused persons sometimes feel abandoned by their God because they lose hope, see no signs of respite from the abuse, or because their abuser has isolated them from others, convincing them that they are all alone in the world. On abused woman reported that when she cried out for God's help in the midst of her husband's violent rage, her abuser said, "there is no God for you".
In other cases, these persons may think they cannot turn to their churches, synagogues, or spiritual leaders for support and direction. Women or men may feel they cannot safely reveal the abuse in their marriages or committed relationships, thinking they may be judged or blamed rather than heard and helped. Children may feel fear about revealing the abuse their family's home - fear for self and fear for their abused parent's safety. Abused persons may sense that it is simply too risky to bring their pain or shame to a religious community unprepared to deal appropriately with an abused person or abuser's disclosure. This perceived abandonment is not without cause… Churches, synagogues, and religious communities, like society as a whole, had for many years ignored the reality of domestic violence around them. If your local religious or spiritual community has continued to ignore, be silent about, or even denied the reality of domestic violence, abused persons will feel as if their religious or spiritual community has actually abandoned them.
In addition, misinterpretations of religious scripture, doctrine, teachings or traditions have sometimes been used to justify the abuse of women and children. Women may feel compelled to stay in abusive relationships by these misinterpretations mandating them to "submit to their husbands", "maintain the peace in the home", "turn the other cheek", and "forgive and forget". When women have dared to disclose the abuse, they have sometimes been told to simply "pray about it" or it is "their lot in life to suffer". If children are involved and try to disclose the abuse, they may feel compelled to be quiet about what's happening at home if they are told to "obey your parent", " be a better son or daughter" or "respect your elder".
The mis-interpretation of religious teachings or traditions can contribute substantially to victim-blaming, self-blame, suffering, undeserved feelings of guilt or shame. Some batterers even try to capitalize upon a religious or spiritual community's unconscious support of these mis-interpreted religious teachings and rigid gender role stereotypes. Abusers will do this to justify or rationalize their controlling domination of their spouses, girlfriends, and even children.
As a result of all this, it may not occur to abused persons that…
a) Domestic violence destroys the trust between intimate partners and family members. Therefore, the abuser is responsible for the brokenness of the family.
b) Domestic violence breaks the marriage covenant between husband and wife. Therefore, the abuser is responsible for the brokenness of marriage.
c) Harsh or violent treatment children may receive at the hands of an abusive parent is never justifiable.
d) Involuntary suffering at the hands of an abuser is never redemptive.
e) Forgiveness is a process and is, essentially, about the survivor(s) being able to "let go" of the abusive experience's power over them. The phrase "forgive and forget" minimizes the complexity of this healing process. Generally, "letting go" is dependent upon the abused person(s) being safe from all forms of violence, experiencing some form of justice-making or support, and - ideally - observing the abuser taking responsibility for the violent behavior, repenting, and making tangible changes in behavior that last over time.
f) "Forgetting" about the violence does not serve the survivor's best interest. Abused persons can never forget about the violence for a moment nor be fooled by the abuser's apparent remorse. It is that remembering, being watchful for signs of impending danger, that is keeping them safe. In the future, it is the remembering that will protect survivors from falling into relationships with other, potential abusers.
g) Simply praying about the domestic violence or dating violence is not enough. Religious and spiritual communities are called to support and protect the vulnerable among us. Abused persons should be able to count on the religious community to help them find safety.
Sadly, when these issues are not addressed by an abused person's religious community, s/he may feel they have to choose between their safety and the support of that community. That puts them in an excruciatingly painful double bind. Often, these same adults, teens, or children resist seeking help from the greater community, the police or the court system because they are afraid or distrustful of those potential sources of assistance as well. After all, if they can't trust their intimate partner and they can't trust their religious or spiritual community to support them, who can they trust?
So, Where Do Religious or Spiritual Persons Go For Help?
Even though religious communities may have, in the past, ignored the reality of domestic violence around them, abused persons still seek refuge from the violence there. People living in or with the crisis of domestic violence often look to their ministers, priests, or religious leader for guidance and assistance. In fact, research indicates that clergy - in comparison with police, psychologists, lawyers, and marriage counselors - are the institutional resource most frequently contacted by abused women.
Abused persons having religious or spiritual beliefs also turn to their fellow congregational members for support and assistance. Studies have indicated that adults, teens, and children will report the abuse to friends whom they trust. Chances are that persons who are battered or abused will seek out a caring friend in their religious or spiritual community and try to disclose the abuse to her or him.
In addition, persons of various religious traditions or persons having spiritual beliefs do turn to their larger community for support and assistance when being abused. The abused person may identify a person in that larger community they trust or respect. That could be the family's doctor or general medical practitioner. It could be the adults or teenager's employer or manager at work. It could be a teenager or child's teacher whom he or she respects. It could be a child's daycare provider whom she or he trusts. It could be a trained worker or advocate in a community social services or domestic violence advocacy program.
So, a compassionate, informed response from a religious leader, layperson, or concerned community person to the crisis of domestic violence can help end the violence in the homes of these families. This response may actually help an abused person to realize or remember that their spirituality and religious tradition can be a resource to them during this crisis of domestic violence. It might help them tap into their internal resource of deeply felt, valued religious or spiritual beliefs . This is the first step in the physical, emotional, and spiritual healing process of the abused persons.
However, the emergency response to the domestic violence crisis cannot be the only interaction the abused persons have with their religious or spiritual community. Religious communities and their helpers have the responsibility to mobilize themselves to "walk" with these families toward a peaceful existence, while affirming the difficulty of this journey. Religious communities have the opportunity to be communities of safety, support and hope for all families in Kitsap County broken by domestic violence.
How Can Relious Communities Respond To Domestic Violence?
1. Break the silence surrounding members of the religious community who are experiencing abuse in their homes and relationships (this can begin by having the presence of victims/survivors and abusers acknowledged in sermons, prayer services, etc.)
2. Become a safe place where domestic violence victims will come for help. Post information on local crisis and intervention services for abused persons and abusers. Put the KCDVTF brochures in the church restrooms. Publicize the National DV Hotline #: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
3. Stop the abuse. If domestic or dating violence is suspected, speak to each person in the relationship separately. Help the victim plan for safety. Hold the abuser accountable for changing controlling or abusive behaviors without jeopardizing victim safety. Do not attempt couples counseling.
4. Get help for the victim(s) and abuser. Know how to contact the local-area domestic violence advocacy, sexual assault advocacy, and perpetrator intervention programs.
5. Support families broken by domestic violence materially and emotionally as they rebuild their lives. Assist them to meet their physical needs re: transportation, food, clothing, or rent. Emotionally, assist the domestic partners in reconciling the relationship (after appropriate intervention, healing, and repentance have occurred) or in mourning its loss.
"Psalm"
We trust that beyond the absence: there is a presence.
That beyond the pain: there can be healing.
That beyond the brokenness: there can be wholeness.
That beyond the anger: there may be peace.
That beyond the hurting: there may be forgiveness.
That beyond the silence: there may be the word.
That through the word: there may be understanding.
That through understanding: there is love.
by Julia Emily Louisa Peebles
from Woman-soul Flowing
If you are interested in the efforts of Faith Community Action Group, the KCDVTF at Email: The Faith Community Action Group meets on the second Tuesday at 11:30 - 12:30 p.m at the YWCA, 905 Pacific Ave., Bremerton.